A Self{Less} Life

Since my time here in Lesotho, I have been searching to try and figure out what the Lord has been wanting to show and teach me. It has been slightly frustrating, because in my mind I thought I had an idea of that looked like. I thought that maybe He would work in me in mighty ways while I am here, or even that He would reveal something amazing about my life or give me revelation. It was none of those things. It was something that I honestly didn’t think I needed to learn or see. He has been continually opening my eyes to the “real life” of a missionary.
In my mind, a missionary was someone who got to live in a foreign country (which that alone is awesome to me), got to share the culture of the people they are surrounded by, and of course served the Lord while they lived life helping and serving others. My eyes have been opened to so much more than that. A missionary does do all of those things, but I left a key concept out of the equation: Selflessness.
Through being with the Dimmock family these past few weeks, they have shown me what it means to be selfless. They have taken in three babies in their house from MIS that are either on nutritional or medical rehabilitation. This means, MIS is not able to give them the proper medical and nutritional attention they need because there are so many children. They volunteered to take the babies in until they were well enough to go back to the orphanage. If the babies go back to MIS before they are well, they will probably die from not getting the proper attention and care that they need. Having an additional three to the original eight is obviously a huge act of selflessness.
Not to mention, they are getting ready to go on their yearlong furlough to the States in June, so they have so much to do in getting ready for that. At times, I want to get overwhelmed for them.
I have seen that missionary life is not easy. It’s not a cushiony life. It is a life full of serving and putting others before yourself on a daily basis. Many of you know that Jonathan and I both have desires to serve in the mission field together in the future. The idea has always been amazing to me. Not only spending the rest of my life with the man of my dreams, but to serve alongside of him and to further the kingdom of God through our relationship. It is so wonderful that the Lord has placed the same desires in our hearts in this way. I am still very excited about the day when we are able to serve alongside of each other. However, God has opened my eyes to the fact that it is not some fairytale life. It is a life where constant dependence on Him is crucial. He has shown me that the life we desire will not be easy, and we needed all of the preparing we have had so far, and I am sure in some ways still need preparing.
I still have a lot of growing and learning to do in this area. I am excited, however, to see what all God is going to do in the future, and I thank Him for the growing He has done in my life as well as Jonathan’s thus far.

The Kingdom of Heaven is Precious

I have been reading in Matthew while I have been on this trip. I forgot how remarkable the parables Jesus told were, and the miracles that he did. It’s one thing to hear them in stories, but when you actually read them on a page and really think about the actual act, it is mind boggling.

One chapter that has especially stood out to me is Matthew 13. I love the parables explaining the value and worth of the kingdom of heaven. It is something that I have never really thought about before. There are two parables that really stood out to me in particular.

First, is the parable of the hidden treasure in verse 44. “The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.”

Secondly, is the parable of the pearl of great value in verses 45 and 46. “Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant in search of fine pearls, who, on finding one pearl of great value, went and sold all that he had and bought it.”

These two parables have one thing in common: the person who found them gave up everything they had to gain it. Jesus is trying to explain that His kingdom is far more valuable than anything we could ever possess in this world.

That is a hard thing for me to grasp sometimes- that Jesus is the most valuable thing I could ever have in my life. There are so many times when my flesh tries to convince me otherwise. However, I am always reminded somehow or another, that without Jesus, my life would be nothing. I would have nothing. He has to stay at the center. At the focus.

That is what I feel like He has been revealing to me more and more as I have been in Lesotho so far from being in His Word.

On a different note- being back here with the kids at MIS has been absolutely wonderful. I remember the first day I went back, all the familiar faces I saw. I remembered some of the kid’s names, and when I saw them I wrapped my arms around them and just embraced them. I would ask, “Do you remember me?” And every one of them would say, “Yes, you are ausi Amber”. It is kind of funny, every time some of the older boys would see me…the first thing they say is “Aiiiiie Seipatiiiii!” I don’t know exactly what they are saying in Sesotho (said like Su-su-tu), but I can tell that they are teasing him somehow. He has been a little shy at first, but the more I am there, the more he is opening up again. My really good friend, Katie (the missionary's daughter I am staying with), was telling me something the other day about their reactions. She talked about how a lot of them are probably shy because they are not used to the same people coming back. The people they meet usually only come once, and they never see them again. I didn’t think I could grow closer to these kids any more than I had already been. I was very, very wrong.

“I tell you with certainty, whoever gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones because he is a disciple will never lose his reward." – Matthew 10:42

First Breath

You know that feeling you get after you’ve been holding your breath for a long time? The first breath you take is deep. It calms you. You anticipate that moment until it is finally there.

That is the closest thing I can think of how I felt when I landed in Johannesburg at 5:00pm on April 13^th.

Preparing for this trip was the most difficult time I have ever experienced- emotionally, spiritually, and even physically. I want to be honest about the things I struggled with and the things God had to bring me through. Besides- you cannot have a picture perfect walk with Christ. Struggle is necessary to become stronger in Him and to become desperately dependent in Him. He taught me that in more ways than one.

A month or so before I was supposed to leave, I started having really bad dreams; not dreams that are easily woken up from, but dreams that seemed real and hurt. They would keep me up all night, and during the day I would still have a sense of fear. I begin worrying about my relationship with Jonathan. What if something happened between us while I was gone? What if we wouldn’t get to spend enough time together before I left? There were lots more questions running through my head concerning our relationship. I felt like I needed to “hold onto” our relationship tightly, but that grip only turned into frustration that pulled us a part for a short while. I feared dying. I feared the plane going down or being in a car accident while I was there. I even feared being kidnapped. Thoughts like these lead to the thought- “Do you really want to do this, with all these risks?”. I worried over silly things and magnified things that were unnecessary. Depression slowly crept in and I began to lose sight of the mission God had given me.

All I can remember is one night being so overwhelmed with worry and fear of not knowing what the future held, and the Lord just broke me. He broke me of my pride. I got the idea in my head that I somehow had all my ducks in a row, and that I could handle the rest on my own. I pretty much indirectly said to Him with my actions, ”Alright God, You have provided the funds, now I can take it from here”. He allowed me to see how miserably I fail at being the person He desires me to be, without Him. I had His peace only when I let go of all the areas of my life that were stirring up fear. You see, I had to be broken in this way. I had to go through all I did so my eyes could be opened (again) to the fact that I am hopeless without Him. I had to be brought to the end of my rope to see- that only He can give me one long enough to do His will.

There are so many time when I am blown away by the fact that He has given me this calling. Knowing the thoughts I think, knowing all the sin I have committed against Him, yet somehow He still chooses to use me in this way to further His kingdom. He chooses me, not needs me; because quite frankly, there are a million other people who would be better “qualified” to do the job.

All I can say is...He is an amazing God. His grace and mercy truly blow me away. His unconditional love strikes me with awe. My heart longs to know more about Him, and to know Him more. This verse keeps coming to my mind as I write, so I will close with this:

“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than you ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:9