First Breath

You know that feeling you get after you’ve been holding your breath for a long time? The first breath you take is deep. It calms you. You anticipate that moment until it is finally there.

That is the closest thing I can think of how I felt when I landed in Johannesburg at 5:00pm on April 13^th.

Preparing for this trip was the most difficult time I have ever experienced- emotionally, spiritually, and even physically. I want to be honest about the things I struggled with and the things God had to bring me through. Besides- you cannot have a picture perfect walk with Christ. Struggle is necessary to become stronger in Him and to become desperately dependent in Him. He taught me that in more ways than one.

A month or so before I was supposed to leave, I started having really bad dreams; not dreams that are easily woken up from, but dreams that seemed real and hurt. They would keep me up all night, and during the day I would still have a sense of fear. I begin worrying about my relationship with Jonathan. What if something happened between us while I was gone? What if we wouldn’t get to spend enough time together before I left? There were lots more questions running through my head concerning our relationship. I felt like I needed to “hold onto” our relationship tightly, but that grip only turned into frustration that pulled us a part for a short while. I feared dying. I feared the plane going down or being in a car accident while I was there. I even feared being kidnapped. Thoughts like these lead to the thought- “Do you really want to do this, with all these risks?”. I worried over silly things and magnified things that were unnecessary. Depression slowly crept in and I began to lose sight of the mission God had given me.

All I can remember is one night being so overwhelmed with worry and fear of not knowing what the future held, and the Lord just broke me. He broke me of my pride. I got the idea in my head that I somehow had all my ducks in a row, and that I could handle the rest on my own. I pretty much indirectly said to Him with my actions, ”Alright God, You have provided the funds, now I can take it from here”. He allowed me to see how miserably I fail at being the person He desires me to be, without Him. I had His peace only when I let go of all the areas of my life that were stirring up fear. You see, I had to be broken in this way. I had to go through all I did so my eyes could be opened (again) to the fact that I am hopeless without Him. I had to be brought to the end of my rope to see- that only He can give me one long enough to do His will.

There are so many time when I am blown away by the fact that He has given me this calling. Knowing the thoughts I think, knowing all the sin I have committed against Him, yet somehow He still chooses to use me in this way to further His kingdom. He chooses me, not needs me; because quite frankly, there are a million other people who would be better “qualified” to do the job.

All I can say is...He is an amazing God. His grace and mercy truly blow me away. His unconditional love strikes me with awe. My heart longs to know more about Him, and to know Him more. This verse keeps coming to my mind as I write, so I will close with this:

“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than you ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:9